And We Will Never Be Royal…It’s Not In Our Blood

May 18, 2018

We didn’t want to be swept away by the royal wedding – but the tide was altogether too strong. It was difficult to escape the enchantment of a girl-just-like-us-but-better marrying her literal prince but when you slice that in with the oh-so-relatability of a modern family who seems to be competing between themselves as to who can be more ridiculous on a world stage – well its a recipe for watch-ability.

Yet watching on as Meghan’s crash course in duchess-ing unfolds in the public eye, the very unglamorous nature of all those royal rules begins to separate the toil from the tiara. A big part of the Byron and Northern River’s spirit is relaxed and authentic, shoes-optional vibe so we can’t help but struggle to see how the rigid and restrained public life of a Duchess is something we just couldn’t trade our unique community norms for. Plus, you know, the beach!

As a special community service for our tribe, and to save us all from any jealousy once Meghan emerges looking right-royally-radiant, we have come up with a list of some of the more ridiculous rules that she will be bound by. The one about how to carry a bag has reduced the envy metre here to zero. You’re welcome.

Ridiculous Royal Rule Number One: Conversation

Royals are not allowed to discuss matters that include religion, politics, money, appearance, dieting.

Not for us because:

There would be nothing to talk about because the weather in our corner of the world is almost always perfect. I remember the bad weather we had in 2017…I think it was a Wednesday in August…but that leaves 364 days without any fodder for small talk. We are an engaged, thoughtful and aspirational people and our community is incredibly rich from our discussions and sharing on these ‘banned’ subjects.

Ridiculous Royal Rule Number Two: Grooming

This is more like a master set of rules. Royal ladies must wear plain coloured shoes with heels of less than four inches. Royal ladies must only wear nude coloured nail polish. Royals are not allowed to wear black, but must always carry a black outfit in case someone of significance passes away. Penny coins are sewn into the hems of dresses so that the wind doesn’t pick up and give one an unwelcome Marilyn-moment. No. Cleavage. Ever.

Not for us because:

These rules are highly impractical for our lifestyle. Heels, even less than four inches, command a superhero level of agility in dry sand and it is some kind of mastery to surf and swim with penny-weights in our bathers. And besides that, the way we dress here is a form of artistic expression – rainbow tie-dye is a flag of freedom for some in our community and the ability to run in thongs (flipflop shoes) is a real right of passage for our kids. The creative expression of our people is one of the region’s natural assets. We can’t trade that for tiaras.

Ridiculous Royal Rule Number Three: Bag Carrying

Royals are only allowed to carry bags by their handle. End. Of. Discussion.

Not for us because:

We need our hands. As I am writing this on the main street of Byron Bay, I am watching a young person ride a bicycle while carrying a surfboard under one arm, a bag on their back and grasping an iced coffee in the other hand. This is transportation x multitasking and this kid is winning life. The shoulder strap was God’s gift to the busy person and we live full lives here.

Ridiculous Royal Rule Number Four: Eating

Another master set of rules, here. When the Queen (or sovereign) is finished eating – everyone is finished eating…regardless of how much of the souffle is remaining on your plate and nevermind that the Sovereign is served an begins eating first. “One may eat four bites, then take a break. Then repeat.” Correct napkin etiquette is a light dab, dab, dab on closed lips.

Not for us because:

Falafel Kebab.

Ridiculous Royal Rule Number Five: Crowns

Confusing right, you would think wearing a crown would be a good thing and one of the perks of the job. Well, almost right. But if you were going to give up your natural right to wear coloured nail polish – then you’d want to be swanning around in a crown all the time. But it turns out there are also a lot of rules about when you can wear different types of jewels. For example, only married royal women are allowed to touch the tiaras, and only on loan with permission. The tiaras are meant to signify to men that these married women are taken so not to talk to them.

Not for us because:

As a democratic people, used to freehold property ownership, crown ‘borrowing’ would be a constant reminder that you are in someone’s graces. Plus, if the fantasy of wearing a tiara while being fed champagne in a palace bath singing “The Grand Old Duke Of York” at full volume is out of the questions…then all of these rules seem to far outweigh any actual benefit.

I mean there is love…and there is always a ‘behind the scenes’.

The rumours of Princess Margaret attempts to commission a matchbox to the side of whiskey glasses so that she didn’t have to put down her glass to light her cigarette probably means that there is hope for Meghan…somewhere behind the royal veneer.

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